Hobbies as a way of life?

Question: how many hobbies can a person have, and not suceed in developing one of them enough even to enjoy it? Not one proper bone in my educational body – no law, medicine, social or natural science, no engineering, no economics – and no real craft. My small hairs of the neck stand on end by realising this about myself. 

Observing brought me to drawing, listening, and reading. But as I grew up noone ever had any positive expectations on me – no one saw me as doing this or that in the future. In spite of this, education was a major theme in my family. But in my case, pressure was for me to study – not caring what I studied, and even discouraging me from pursuing some studies that I had an interest in. 

I did, however, pursue quite a large amount of my interests - and have kept on doing so. I spent some very important years opening up to litterature written in Spanish langage at the university in Lund, Sweden, and Barcelona, Catalonia, Spain. And some more, taking artistic endeavours seriously with art& design college EINA, in Barcelona as my formal basis for learning and doing.

And more - informal learning, as life goes on.

Devi Durga came into my life more or less at the same time as Magic Malik Mezzandri and French contemporary jazz, in 2003. Durga I related to my then psychoanalyst Hortensia, MagicMalik, to my then boyfriend, Julien. Both very important in my urge and need for change, gaining new force and finding a new direction – or so I thought. Or rather, I believed change to be something I could produce, push and control, not understanding that there are no limits to that, which I was opening up to. I started reading about godesses, was recommende books by Jean Shinoda Bolen and found my way to an e-book version of Heinrich Zimmer’s Philosophies of India. All the time, working 8 hors a day at the computer at a multinational office of a multinational company in Barcelona, Spain.

And the old CD Ill Communication by the Beastie Boys got a new meaning to me as I started listening to the text of one of the songs The Update. It’s about respect for Mother Earth. And I had been listening to it since about ten years without reading the text! That’s what long hours in small spaces in front of the computer with earphones can do – transport you to important and real places inside, while keeping a tidy life in the outside surroundings. I believe that this is what the smile on neatly dressed office clerks’ faces are about – partly – the wonderful possibility of keeping a clean and neat outer world as you get to develop your inner one at the personal computer. 

All of this, I shared to some extent with some people. But what do we acctually share? Weather, food, time – and things like stress or activity, concentration, relaxation, inspiration, worry or fun.

One thing about having gained bonus sisters and brothers is that somehow, the bonus takes the part of the real, somehow. Father gets a new family with completely different inner values and outer habits. Suddenly, proper conduct and measured communication was valued over what would seem to be honest engagement for the ten-year old me, when visiting my dad’s place. Dad, the way he had been, disappeared. My mother, to some extent, too. Of course they were still there – that’s the strange and difficult part, easy enough to understand as a grown up, but not so for a child. Even ten years later, the change in attitude was so huge, it seemed my father went through another complete make-overr in terms of values and habits. No other person was enough to hold on to him, only his work, and his hobbies: cooking and growing plants in a greenhouse.

I’ll make some real efforts today to find a job and to go through and re-structure my presentation letters. I feel that there is no straight part of me inside, none of my original hope or confidence. Anyway, I have to go on as long as life wants me to. Going with the flow as I can. 

India, a country far away from where my body has its home, Sweden, is celebrating MahaShivaratri these days. That seemed relevant at the time I was there, as a way of respecting and learning about cycles in time and of change. Here, I celebrate that the days are longer and the afternoons, lighter. Some people seem to prepare for a celebration in Malmö tonight, I probably don't know any of them - and I wouldnt't have met any of them, while celebrating in India. Or so I believe. Does it matter? I don't know? Does celebration have to be outer? That depends on what you want to get out of them, i guess.